Do You Sabotage Your Child's Emotional Resilience?
We have to stop swooping in to solve our kid’s problems. We are not birds. Are you ruining your kid’s emotional resilience with all your help? How do you know when to help and when to hold off? Here’s a parenting hack to help you (or someone you co-parent with) recognized and rectify habits that might be holding you and your child back from building their emotional resilience and becoming the independent, confident problem-solving kid you want them to be. Here’s how to help your ‘chick’ feel confident leaving the nest:
First, be self-aware of your SWOOP level.
Are you a swooper? Swoopers are parents who swoop in to save the day before giving their kids have a chance to work through whatever issues they are having. Many parents are swoopers and they don’t even realize it because the behavior has become a pattern in the brain. Swooping is the precursor to becoming what we have coined in society as ‘helicopter parent.’ It’s the little habit and behavior that stops your kids from trying it themselves (thus, lowing their resilience level). Swooping has you feeling like you have to do everything or fix everything. Kids need help, but HOW we help them and being mindful of what is in the child’s best interest at that moment is crucial to social, emotional resilience and cognitive growth.
The thing about swoopers is they sometimes think they are acting in their child’s best interest by trying to “head off” whatever is on the way. Sometimes it’s because it will make it easier emotionally for themselves.
Here’s what a swoop looks like:
Your child gets frustrated doing homework, and you swoop in with solutions on how to solve the problem or do the equations.
Your child is screaming, stomping, crying, yelling because they are having a hard time getting shoes (or coat, or hat, or boots or any other many clothing issues kids have), and you swoop in to show them how.
Someone says something unkind to your child, and you swoop in to tell your kiddos that the other person didn’t (or probably didn’t mean it) to ease their cute upset face that is on the verge of tears.
Two of your kids are arguing over (honestly, this could be anything), and you swoop in to put an end to the arguing only to have them move onto the very next thing they see and start arguing about that.
You ask your child to put away their toys, but when they don’t do it, you go behind and pick up after them, not holding them accountable for the chores they were asked to do.
Wait a minute, you say, that IS parenting. I am trying to HELP my kid, and all those instances are me HELPING.
They may band-aid a bit of emotional distress for you or your child in the short-term. (Swoopers are typically trying to ease their own uncomfortable or frustrated feelings about a situation.) It’s not teaching your kids how to take ownership and deal with the problem and sometimes the BIGGER issue, their emotional state surrounding the problem. It also encourages kids to develop learned helplessness. BOOM! That’s the ticket to not having to fix everything all the time. Teaching your kid that they can regulate their own emotions, (building their emotional resilience) and find solutions to their problems.
Truth be told, we have ALL swooped.
But if you want to raise and autonomous, resilient, problem-solving child, follow these super-simple steps to help you be mindful of your swoop level.
Access the Situation
Swooping is reactive. Reactive is good if your child is in immediate danger (about to put their hand on the stove), but learning to respond instead of reacting is the key to purposeful parenting. If the situation is not an immediate danger, take a pause and choose to respond. It may sound super simple, but if you are mindful of how many times you spring into action to fix the problem of distress that isn’t an immediate danger, you would be surprised how much reactive instead of responsive parenting you do.
Access Yourself
Does your heart begin racing when you can see your child’s frustration mounting? Do you start sweating, trying to shut down the meltdown you know will come from whatever dilemma your child is currently struggling with? Do you feel uncomfortable when your child struggles a bit? Does your own emotional state (fear, frustration, anger) begin to take over your parenting? Guess what? We all do to some extent. It’s called a stress response, and we feel it because we have both instincts to nurture and high emotional attachment mixed up together.
But here is where you need to be careful.
You may not even realize it, but that reaction, time and time again, is putting you in a flight or fight response and is eliciting a spike in your cortisol level, which can lead to a myriad of mental and physical health issues. It’s part of the reason parents are so stressed today; we haven’t learned to respond instead of react. You can control your reaction impulse by mindfully recognizing that you do it (feel panicky, stressed, fearful), but not giving in to that emotional reaction. Telling yourself it is OK to feel that way. Try to breathe and let the impulse pass by like a cloud in the sky (even if it feels like a thundercloud). Remind yourself that you have the power to help your child navigate a solution, but that you don’t need to solve it for them.
Be Prepared and Consistent
How, what, and if you respond is important to how your child will:
Take ownership of the problem
Emotionally respond to the problem
Look upon future struggles
Know your game plan before you get into the situation, so you aren’t caught off guard. What will you say? How will you handle your own emotions? Each instance may be a bit different, but if you’ve been dealing with behavior for a while, there are usually patterns. Be prepared for the pattern when it shows up and deal with it consistently. Your ability to be consistent in your parenting is key to you feeling sane and your kid feeling safe.
Consistency is not easy.
It’s the hardest part sometimes. It can be even harder if you don’t keep your own emotions in check when coaching your kid to be independent. In general, people have a difficult time being consistent, but it is necessary, and being mindful of the fact that this is an area of weakness can help you make consistency your strength. Consistently helps your child feel safe and connected. When we are inconsistent, we lessen the bonds of trust with our child. Your child is just beginning to understand how the world works and when they get mixed signals about what they do and how they do it, it makes them second guess themselves and lowers their confidence in their ability to solve their problems.